Mental Health “Backslides”, Shame & Recovery

When I first struggled with anxiety, shame and internalised mental health stigma stopped me from reaching out for help. 

Recovery

After getting some help I learned a lot of valuable coping mechanisms, felt a lot better and considered myself to be recovered. I stopped feeling shame and decided to share my experience with others. In doing so I hope to create a culture where people can speak openly about their mental health with one another, help each other recognise the signs earlier, overcome the shame of mental illness and get the support and help we need before reaching a crisis. 

But here’s the thing about recovery – it’s not always a linear process. I’ve personally had many mental health “backslides” into anxiety. 

Mental Health Backslides

These past few weeks I’ve experienced just such a mental health backslide and it’s been difficult. Fortunately my backslides have never been as prolonged or hard to deal with as that initial mental health crisis, thanks to the fact I have a wellbeing plan to lean on. I recognise my early warning signs and I have coping mechanisms to get myself out of the quagmire a lot earlier. One thing that hasn’t changed with each backslide is the emotional difficulty I have in reconciling the two versions of myself – “well” Natasha and “unwell Natasha”. 

Some people experience mental ill health in their life during a period of intense stress which resolves when their situation changes and they’re fortunate enough not to experience those mental health struggles again. For others like me, mental health issues are more of a lifelong condition that we learn to manage.

If I were to come up with a more physical metaphor I’d say that it’s less like fighting the flu and emerging a picture of health after a period of rest and copious fluids, and more like learning to manage Type 2 diabetes – there’s a lot to learn, lifestyle changes to be made and often the need for daily medication (whether literal or more metaphorical). 

Every time I’ve had a backslide, I have secretly hoped it would be the last one, and that I would somehow be magicked into the first group of people, the ones who “fight” their mental health condition, “conquer it” and permanently recover. 

This is probably a fairly natural response, since I can only imagine most people would wish for an end to their suffering. Unfortunately this wish is also a sign  of something much more ominous, which I’ve only discovered during my latest backslide. 

Shame

Both my recurring wish for permanent recovery and my difficulty in reconciling “well” and “unwell” Natasha are in part due to the same thing – SHAME. 

It’s easy to feel no shame about a condition when you’re in a good place and feel recovered. This is especially true if you think you’re never going to experience that again. I now understand that every backslide I’ve had has been accompanied by a hefty dose of the initial shame I had before getting help. It’s probably true to say I haven’t fully overcome that internalised mental health stigma. This is despite the fact that I consider myself a mental health advocate. It is despite the fact that I fully recognise how useless that feeling is. Shame only serves to prolong my recovery by isolating me and stopping me from reaching out for help when I need it.

Shame says “You’ve already had help and now you’re back where you started .”

Shame says “Don’t tell anyone about this, or they’re going to judge you like you’re judging yourself.”

Shame says “You don’t deserve more help”.

Letting go of shame

We talk a lot about letting go of the shame of struggling with mental ill health and getting help when you need it in order to recover. But whenever I’ve heard, read or given this advice it has often been in the context of helping someone make that initial leap of faith, the one that requires you to accept what’s happening to you, believe that things could get better and to put your trust in someone (often a professional but also those near and dear) to help you recover during your first experience of mental ill health.  

You never stop being deserving of help, just because you’ve already had some.

DR NATASHA HOLMES

What I realise now is that this advice doesn’t stop being true just because you’ve already received some help, recovered and “backslid”. You never stop being deserving of help, just because you’ve already had some.

So today I want to shout out to my fellow Backsliders – the ones who’ve been on this rollercoaster ride we call “Recovery”, the ones who live with their mental health conditions. 

〰 Recovery isn’t linear. 

💪 Keep working at it. Find healthy coping mechanisms that work for you, and lean on them when you need to. 

💙 It’s ok if you still struggle with shame during your backslides – I believe many of us do. 

🧑‍⚖️ Try not to judge yourself so harshly – this is often where the shame comes from.  

⚕️Ask for help when you need it – you are still deserving of it, even if you’ve already had some. 

😌 Your mental health condition might not go away for good, but it does get easier. 

⚔️ You might not emerge a triumphant and victorious conqueror, but you are not less or a warrior for having to keep fighting the battle. 

As always, remember you’re never alone. 

~ Dr. N x